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I am 22 and having a mid-life crisis. Failing to achieve even a 1.0… - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
I am 22 and having a mid-life crisis. Failing to achieve even a 1.0 GPA yet again has got me thinking. Well, that, and my roommate told me that he is taking a break from school for a little while.

I remember going through the catalog for Sac State and basically saying that there was only one major that appealed to me to actually go after, Philosophy. Thinking about it now, that doesn't seem like a particularly good thing. Maybe there isn't a major for me. I don't know what it is I want to do. I try to convince myself of this or that, but in reality, I have an intense desire to try a lot of things, but not stick with any one thing. I made a post once saying that my problem is that I want to know how to do everything. Well, that's true. There are a lot of things I am interested in, and just sticking with one major is not going to do help me with that. I do like philosophy & law, and the idea of going into law appeals to me. I also enjoy computers a great deal, in many different respects. Be it programming, networking, software, hardware, or whatever, there are lot of things I like about it, but I just can't nail down the one thing I want to do. I was looking at jobs with some of the companies that put out antivirus programs, Symantec (maker of Norton) and McAfee, because I think it would be really interesting to know what a virus does based on seeing its code and then being able to know how to make a virus definition to counteract it. It requies a lot of knowledge to do that, and I would be willing to gain it if I knew where it was taking me. But not through classes. Through reading and self-teaching. What is the point of college courses anyway? They just teach you stuff from books anyway, and really just clarify things. But if you want to go and do it on your own and not worry about a degree and spending thousands of dollars, you're somehow not qualified, even though you have the same amount of knowledge, and maybe even more. Now, I understand that a degree is not always necessary, but sometimes it is, and that seems unfair. What if someone can't afford college, but they learn a great deal and are really good at something? Do they even get a fair shot at a job?

I think of school as an obstacle to doing things I enjoy. That's not a good thing.

Money is such a huge fucking problem/issue. You can't get money unless you have a decent job, but you can't get a decent job unless you're educated, but only in the sense that is accepted, that being institutionally educated and not self-educated. There is one way to do things in this world, and I don't like it. Have your parents ever told you that there are some things you may not like, but you have to do anyway? I hate that. What if that isn't true? Why should it be true? Why is it that because I have all these different ideas of how I should live my life, it's because I'm young and idealistic and not attuned to how things really are? Why is the possibility of me actually making some sense so ridiculous? What if I've figured out things that people don't bother to think about, and because I'm in the small minority, I'm just silly and unrealistic? All the things I want to explore, and I can't because I'm too busy being a good little normal person and going to college for something that I really don't know anything about, and only shoot for because it sounds interesting. How fucked up is that? If I wasn't going to school, I'd be working more...but I'd have to get another job, or 2 jobs, because of the nature of this one. Actually, the job I have now is a student job, so I'd have to leave. There are probably a ton of things I could look into, mostly involving writing. It's the matter of being paid for it. Maybe I _should_ so some work as a critic for movies or music. I think I can write about a lot of things, in many different styles. I just have to find the opportunities.

I want to tell my parents about my shitty semester before they found out from the school in the form of yet another letter saying how poorly I'm doing. I'm afraid to because little is accomplished in such a discussion. My dad yells, my mom gets disappointed, and I get upset. I hate it when my parents are disappointed in me, but I don't know what to tell them anymore. My dad yelled at me last time and it obviously didn't change anything, but maybe it's theraputic for him so I'll just listen. They usually think it's some distraction that is causing this to happen. It's not the radio station, mom and dad, and it's not my music. If I enjoyed what I was working on then therer would be no problem. But obviously I'm not enjoying it. The problem is that in school, you are royally fucked if you don't do something. If I'm not in school, and I stop doinjg something, it doesn't affect me.

When I seriously thought of taking time off from school before, like a year ago when this problem was beginning, and talked to my parents about it, they convinced me that it wasn't a good idea because of the difficulty in being able to start up again. I can understand that, but is it really worth the money for me to screw around? I think part of the reason they are so hard on me is because my twin sister Cathy is not an academic and never has been, and a consensus has basically been reached that she has reached her schooling limit. Because of that, they probably want me even more to get a degree in something, anything. The problem with that is the the emphasis is once again placed on the degree. What is the big freaking deal about finishing college? It doesn't make me a better person if I did. I suppose it makes me more marketable, but then I'll just have to be creative and convince people of my skills without having a degree. If I do get into writing, somehow I doubt that a degree takes precedence over actual talent.

I keep coming back to the problem of me wanting to try all these different things right now, and worry about what I end up doing for a "career" later. Do I need a career? Is there something wrong with bouncing around? Oh, I'm not stable. So what? If I have several jobs in a row, I'm still working, just not at the same place. I don't plan on starving, but to me being happy with what I do is more important than making money. Which also brings me back to the idea of doing what is necessary now and doing what you want later. Fuck that. That is a wasted life. I want to do what makes me feel good ALL THE TIME. I just have to see if I can get paid for that.

I suppose I will snip this up and reconstruct it a little to make a point ot my parents, because there is no way I'll be able to say it on the phone to them. I just don't need them making threats anymore. They don't accomplish anything. School is the not the end all and be all of life. Why does it seem that nobody can understand that????

Currently Blasting: Braveheart Soundtrack

1 pity screw or Do me
blueblackautumn From: blueblackautumn Date: June 7th, 2001 09:05 am (UTC) (Link)
I am 22 and having a mid-life crisis. Failing to achieve even a 1.0 GPA yet again has got me thinking. Well, that, and my roommate told me that he is taking a break from school for a little while.

You got a higher GPA than me, I only got a .90. :[
1 pity screw or Do me