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how's this for a list - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
how's this for a list
for whatever reason (being poor i guess) i'm making some more effort to improve my situation in the areas that i control.

i really want/need a new car. not "new" in the sense of a 2004 model, but "new" as in my car is really fucking old, and something made since the first bush was in office might be kinda neat. here we encounter our initial problem. yeah, i have some money i can use as a down payment. it's in the form of bonds my grandpa gave us every year. however, at this point i don't think i can actually afford any kind of realistic monthly payment. the money is just too tight, even if i eliminate some things, like the newspaper or netflix. i make jack shit and i don't stand to make much more in the forseeable future. there are ways to alleviate this problem, both temporary and long-term.

the temporary - go get something on the weekends. it could be a few extra hundred dollars a month which would help A LOT and it's not like i do anything of consequence on my weekends as it is, except dread monday. surely there must be SOMETHING that would work here that i wouldn't despise too much.

another temporary alternative (that could turn into something bigger) is to act on the idea i've had lately of freelance tech support, for lack of a better term. i know i can do it, the question is how. is it something people need? does the phone tech support satisfy most people? would they be willing to pay someone like me to fix their stuff? there's like a whole planning aspect there i have to consider, but i like the sound of it overall. i'm just having trouble finding a starting point.

the long term: finish school, jackass. i'm taking a hesistant step forward tonight, i have to call admissions tomorrow just to talk to someone about my situation. i am one click away from sending a transfer app, but i'd hate to do it only to find out it's pointless since i've already been to sac state once, and there's a whole other process i have to go through. i REALLY don't want to wait on this anymore, i may not know what the hell to do post-graduation but god if i could just graduate it'd be about 10 billion miles further than where i am right now. jobs that require a non-specific degree are out of my reach. do you know i'm ashamed of my job? it's because the position i'm in is the lowest on the ladder, and i'm actually older than most of the people in department, not counting the lawyers. it may only be by a year or two, but it's embarassing to think that this is the best i can do at this age. it's humiliating that i have friends who graduated college 3 years ago and i'm copying. i can't really fall back on the excuse that i'm unfocused and have too many interests anymore. that worked before i could drink. now i'm just lazy. i mean LAZY. wow. it's bad.

my problem is two-fold. i don't plan, and i lose interest without early results. i can't work on something that will not yield anything for too long, because i will get bored and disinterested and just abandon it. i also have a problem starting because i don't make a clear plan or outline or anything, i just leave it up in my head and grab at the pretty pictures. this new cs movie idea i have, i know it's never going to get far unless i plan it out a little in advance, which i haven't done yet. it's why i was excited about the first one i ever wanted to do, because i had an entire script written up. there was a definite plan, it just never materialized due to circumstances beyond my control. so i should set short term goals, right? well, they have to seem worth achieving. if they're too trivial i won't care, but if they're too significant it will be too much like long-term goals. i'm a mess!

for once in my life the thing i can actually look at and say "yeah i'm moving forward here" is the girl thing. go figure. so i don't even have to lament about that tonight.

it's possible there was more to this when i started, but now it's after midnight so this will have to suffice for now. gimme happy vibes.
Do me