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There are a ton of thoughts in my head at the moment. Its too bad… - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
There are a ton of thoughts in my head at the moment. Its too bad the mind can't operate more like a notebook, or something else that can be well organized. Its all this mass of words and ideas and half-done thinkings that swirl around like this giant tornado in my brain. Picking one out is like releasing the hold you have on that thing keeping you grounded, and hoping it all doesn't overwhelm you.

At the moment, I feel rather at peace. There are plenty of things to worry about, to stress about, to concern myself with, but at least right now, they aren't getting to me. Its like I ran into this secluded area that repels everything negative. Imagine the most serenely tranquil place you have ever conceived of, and thats about where I am at this moment. It feels nice; I wish I felt it more often. But I guess I should start getting out these thoughts before I lose them all.

I think that one of the biggest problems in the world is the pseudo-solipsistic nature of people. They don't entirely believe like there is nobody else in the world, but they act like it. Its not just a lack of compassion, or an extreme case of selfishness. The regard for fellow man has actually vanished. It doesn't just extend to making an extra effort to be kind - it also extends to consciously deciding not to help other people when they are in need. I'm not talking about the guy on the street island asking for dog food so he can feed his 17 children, or the Ethiopian kids who don't get enough food to survive. I just mean, people you encounter on an average day. I'm not sure what the cause of it is, but its quite sad. I'm also not saying that I am not guilty of this offense. I'm quite sure I live in my own little world much of the time. But I try to be a good person.

I want a drumset. I have this insane desire to play drums, and play them a lot. Not in a band (although that would be pretty sweet), just...to play.

I'm becoming more active. I intend on volunteering for the local SPCA, and I am in the process of getting involved with a local radio station that will actually let me play metal on the air again. And its a real station! Not that high frequency AM crap. People all over Sacramento can hear this one. I know the metal director/webmaster there, and she's going to help me out. I miss polluting the airwaves. This will help me meet more people, because god knows I at least need to venture out from my cave once in a while. As something of an extension, I literally mean what I just said - meet more people. Period. Know more. Have more acquaintances, maybe even friends. Not "meet more GIRLS". Hey, maybe I will, but I don't want to stress over that. There's no point.

I've lived in this complex for just under 3 years now, and the entire time I've been a few hundred feet from a little weightroom/workout area. Thinking about it, if I had used that place maybe 2 or 3 times a week over those 3 years, I can't imagine how much better I would look, how much healthier I would be, etc. Its a constant battle between laziness, lack of motivation, and acceptance of who I am that keeps me from actively working on this rather ugly shape I've developed. I think I told someone recently - yes, it was Hope - that there is obviously a well defined frame of muscle lurking beneath the rest of the skin, but I have to go in search of it. All the years of lifting and carrying and walking have actually done me some good, in that I'm not totally beyond help. But I'm at that point where I have to take advantage of it.

Friday night was spent rediscovering my love of metal. I checked websites of bands, labels, scenes, etc. I found out tons of information. I realized that I want to go to any extreme metal concert nearby even if I'm not a huge fan of the bands playing, because its the scene I want to be a part of, and hey, maybe I'll find a new band I like. I want to meet people that are into this stuff too, and stop being so groupie-ish when I recognize a member of a well known band at a show (see: Deeds of Flesh show last year when TestAmenT's Eric Peterson showed up). I signed up to be parts of the street teams for Olympic, and Earache. I want to give back to the scene. And free music is cool. :p

Thats mostly whats been floating around upstairs lately. No word on the job front yet. Things will go my way. They have to.
1 pity screw or Do me
Comments
hauntedlavender From: hauntedlavender Date: July 14th, 2002 10:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
i used to help out the spca. i should do that again. they made (er...asked me to i guess) me dress as bigbird at a pet parade once. that SUCKED ass. other than that it was very very cool. so, good luck with bettering yourself and such and if you hear any new bands that kick ass...feel free to share :) the stations here SUCK ASS.
1 pity screw or Do me