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The letter I wrote to my mom - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
The letter I wrote to my mom
This is the entire letter I wrote to my mom tonight....



Hi mom! Well, I could probably tell you all this on the phone, but for one, I never e-mail you, and two, this way I can say what I need to say and think it over better, without interruption.

There are a few things that have come up recently, that you should know about. The first thing is that I have seen my grades for the spring semester. They suck, quite simply. I got an A in Creative Writing, and I passed my Logic class. The rest suck. So if dad wants to call me and start yelling, he can and I'll listen, but I'd like him to first think about what it will accomplish. He yelled at me before and nothing has changed. We made a deal that I would pay for classes I fail or don't finish and nothing has changed. Quite frankly, I don't know what would get me to turn things around. I have more or less wasted the last 4 semesters of school, and I have wasted 4 semesters of your money. This was supposed to be the easy semester, all fun classes, but I didn't care enough to pass all of them. I find school tedious and boring. I am tired of it. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. I understand that with Cathy pretty much reaching her limit, you are probably more eager for me to finish. I don't know what to tell you about that. I am not taking this lightly. I have thought a lot about what it means. And I know that you and dad are very against me taking any time off from school, but at this point I don't think the alternative is really the better choice here. I would rather not go into yet another semester with high hopes only to lose interest in 4 weeks and stop caring. It's a waste of my money then.

If you're wondering, no, I really don't know what I plan on doing. But facing the possibility of being dismissed because of bad grades - me, of all people - is enough to make me think that I should at least look at other options right now. I'm young and I have time to find my motivation again. But right now it's just not there. I have little motivation to do much of anything these days, for whatever reason. I'm lazy and I'm not being productive, even with school out and nothing to do on the weekends. I should be taking this time and making the most of it, but I'm not. I don't like the way I'm living. I know I can do so much more.

I want to take the time to study a lot of different things, some of which may have use in the future, and some for fun. But I don't want to do any of them in a classroom, being graded. It is taking the fun out of things. Perhaps I will find something that gets me going - I don't know the first thing about Intellectual Property Law, but I can learn some and then figure out if it's the best way for me to go. I have to do something with my writing, wherever it may lead. In short, I STILL don't know where I'm going, and I believe that staying in school right now is having absolutely no positive effect on that. Adam is actually in this position already. He is taking a semester off completely. It hasn't really influenced my decision, but it's worth noting.

I know that you guys want the best for me, and you think I'm wasting my talents or something, but I want the best for me too, and maybe I just have to find another way of acheiving that. I'm not blind to the fact that a college degree is extremely helpful in finding work, but I'd rather make sure I do something I enjoy. You've told me in the past that sometimes you just have to do things, even if you don't like it. Well, right now I can't live by that. I want to always be doing something I like. First, I have to find out what it is. There are so many things I want to learn about, or how to do, but I feel like worrying about school is getting in the way, and it's obvious that I'm not gaining a whole lot from classes anyway right now. So that is pretty much where I am at on that subject. I'm sure we'll have plenty to talk about.

The next thing is that our rent will be increased at the beginning of August to $890 a month, an increase of $110. Adam is not terribly opposed to it, but we have started looking at other places anyway, because that seems somewhat ridiculous. I guess we have to know by the end of June what plans we might have before we start a new year lease. That is another thing we can talk about.

I will be around Monday night, but not Tuesday. We can wait until I come down this week/end to talk about things if you want - perhaps it will give Dad time to cool down so he can talk to me rationally.

I know I'm disappointing you, mom. For that I'm sorry. It's not intentional. Right now grades aren't the most important thing to me, finding myself is. I'd rather not do further damage to my academic career, and at this point that's all I see happening. :(

I will talk to you guys later this week. I love you!

Your son,
Chris
Do me