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*singing* Girls, Girls, Girls! - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
*singing* Girls, Girls, Girls!
I have a feeling this post will be random thoughts mostly, and I may not even finish it all at once, depending on what I think of to write...but there is a lot to say I'm sure.

Last week, when I was leaving from work, I was on the 9th floor for some reason, and one of the elevators stopped. Regina happened to be on it. She got off and told me to walk with her back down to the area she normally works in (she was filling in upstairs for 2 days), and then we walked down the stairs together, and since she parked downtown that day, she walked with me over to the light rail station. I was looking at her, thinking how totally beautiful she was, and I wanted to tell her how lucky her boyfriend is. I didn't have the nerve, though.

How can I feel so strongly for a person that I have precisely zero chance of ever being with? I don't kid myself. There is a reason she has been with the same guy for 4 years already. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that she might have already found *the* guy for her, but she seems happy enough. Why can't it be easier to let the feelings go, knowing that they have nowhere to attach to? She wrote me last week and said that maybe we could have lunch together sometime this week; that would be so excellent, and what makes me happy is that it was her idea. Don't get me wrong, I love having her as a friend. It's just so hard to see her all the time, and to want her, but having to swallow it all because I would only look silly. I don't have particularly strong feelings for her, at least relatively speaking, but it's more than simple physical lust. I still drool over her body (well, not in her presence!), but every time I hear the phrase "my boyfriend" I flinch inside. It's like a pin prick or something, and over time I'll just bleed to death because I'll have so many. I would go and focus my attention on someone else.....but for some fucking reason there just isn't anyone else right now.

Mary said something about right now, I just need to be happy with myself. I dunno, maybe she is right after all. I generally don't think I'm in that much need, and I don't believe in things happening for a reason....well, at least in the fate sense....but maybe this time without an object of affection is my opportunity to really explore the things that are bothering me, and why, and what to do about them. Of course, with my track record, that's pretty much been the case my whole life. Which is part of the problem. I think everyone that tells me not to worry about this stuff is saying it from a different background of experiences. They've been through relationships, they've dealt with heartbreak, they know what it's like to GO BACK to being single and such. For me, that is the only description that has ever fitted me. EVER. I've waited this long to get anywhere at all with a girl, I really don't feel like waiting any more. The problem is that I don't know what is holding me back, really.

There is the sick consistent problem of me always going after the girls who are taken. I know I've brought this up before, but it still never ceases to amaze me. There must be some fucked up radar system in me that misinterprets "boyfriend" as "single and looking". Because 8 out of 10 times, that's what happens. It's extremely frustrating. Beyond frustrating, to the point of being a pain in the ass. Yeah, I'm only 22, I've got plenty of time to find the girl for me. The problem is, what kind of average timespan is there for most people to find "the one"? Somewhere around 7-10 years maybe? And most people are at least getting their feet wet before they're 18, it seems. I don't really want to be like my uncle, near 40 and never married.

I just can't figure out what is holding me back. True, I don't go around asking girls out left and right, but that's how I am, and I'm not going to change. I don't g out much, to party or drink or any real social thing. I always feel out of place. The best I do is concerts, and it's mostly guys there, or girls who are already with a guy. Plus, with the shows I go to, it's not like I get the cream of the crop. The good news is that they at least have some interest in metal, since that's what I frequent, but I don't know how many of them can hold an intelligent conversation over it, or just want something loud and abrasive in the background. My problem(?) is, I don't like to waste time and energy. I want to have something to go on as a good sign before I make a move at all. That, of course, makes it that much harder.

OK, so here's a question. For all you who read my journal, and have significant others, how did you meet them? And how did you go about dating them? I wonder if I am really unusual in my habits of this nature......

When I got all this money recently, I thought of taking a trip to the favorite strip club of my roommate and I, good ol' Gold Club Centerfolds. But everytime I think about it, I start convincing myself that it's stupid. And I know I have a point. What is the point of giving some chicks money to make them naked? Or to rub their tits in your face and pretend that they're just sooooooooooo HOT right now. When I leave, I take nothing with me. None of it is real, in the sense of it amounting to anything. I'm no different than any other guy in there, as long as I have some money to burn. It is a black hole for my wallet. At the same time, I really want to look at some naked girls in the flesh, and not on the pages and channels of Playboy. This is because I have no way to do this otherwise. What I wouldn't give for just being able to explore a woman's body, to have the time to caress every inch of it. I get so tired of Skinemax movies, because nobody does anything but go straight for the fucking. And yes, I realize that it's just TV. But it doesn't portray anything very sexy. A woman is not composed of 3 parts. Is it so hard to make a woman feel sexy fully clothed? I would like to think that such is not the case. I'm not sure if I'm really trying to say anything here, other than that I need a chick.

I also get tired of being such a great friend. To girls. And that's it. Is there something so unattractive about me? It's hard to believe that I've just not had the good fortune to find ANYONE yet who would like to take the iniative and ask me out because there was something she liked. OK, that happened once. But that was 4 years ago...and it was wieird for extraneous reasons.

Well, that's a start.

Yes, I am pitying myself. And no, I don't need to snap out of it. This is me.
4 pity screws or Do me
Comments
slayergoddess From: slayergoddess Date: June 3rd, 2001 07:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
okay, I'll try and answer your question, but I'm sure it may seem a little out of ....I don't know how to put it, but since I'm still in high school. I'm not dating Adam anymore, but I met him there, and I don't know, we started talking about bands or something weird like that. Then we'd wave the metal horns at each other down the hall or something. We talked online for a good while too about miscellaneous stuff... then he finally asked me out somehow. And even though Allen and I aren't going out, we met at school too, I think they were playing guitars, the seniors and I went over there and listened, or some how they started talking to me while I was being a lonely loser sitting at lunch.
sumthinboutmary From: sumthinboutmary Date: June 3rd, 2001 11:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
hey you--from reading this particular journal post it makes me sad that u are feelin this way...i think that you are one of the coolest people on this god damned earth...you have been and always will be one of my bestest friends...and it hurts me to see that you are feelin this way about yourself...i have always told u that u don't need girls...they give so much agita...you must love yourself b4 you give love to someone else...this probably sounds so friggin corny, but it's true...just because u don't have a significant other doesn't mean you and your life can't be happy...hello...remember me? i had significant other and just made me so frikkin miserable...why would u wanna go thru that?? but all in all, chris, you are so awesome and any girl who gets you is so lucky to have someone care so deeply about her...cuz god dammit you are worth waiting for....:)
suffocated From: suffocated Date: June 5th, 2001 10:03 am (UTC) (Link)
*sniff*
there really isn't anything i can say that would do justice to that. that is easily the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me. i thank you so much from the deepest part of my soul. just knowing that i have a friend like you makes me so much happier when things are draining. *smooch*
love ya.
From: motionless Date: June 4th, 2001 12:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, you know how miserable I am right now...I know that you wouldn't want to experience what I am going through...but everyone does need this experience...it builds character right???

I met Nick at school...we just started talking about music...

I met Frank at school...we were in the same major and we had a lot of classes together- small classes. You form a tight-knit community when the classes are small.

But look at how those turned out...and I am more miserable than when I first started out.
4 pity screws or Do me