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The Mummy Returns.....and I wish he hadn't! - Speak Friend and Enter
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The Mummy Returns.....and I wish he hadn't!
Well, last night I saw "The Mummy Returns." Let me just say now that I really don't recommend the flick to anyone. I found it rather stupid. But I'll get into detail inside, and be forewarned, I will give away a lot of the story and such, so don't read it if you don't want to know what happens.....



So here we go......

My immediate thought of this movie is "It's like Starship Troopers, only instead of having NO plot and a buttload of special effects, it had a plot that is too convoluted for its own good and a buttload of special effects".

Here's the plot. It's 10 years later, and Rick and Evelyn are married with a kid, Alex. For a reason that goes unexplained, they are yet again exploring some ancient place in Egypt, only to find this ancient artifact that has been buried for 3000 years (again). The method they find it by is because Evelyn has been having these dreams that are very vivid, and then wile they are in this temple, she experiences a waking dream in the same place they are currently exploring, and finds out how to open this door that leads to the artifact. The artifact itself is the bracelet of Anubis, worn by the Scorpion King (played somewhat competently by The Rock) back when he was alive. See, The Scorpion King was this big war monger guy who was running roughshod over Egypt for 7 years, until his army was finally defeated and driven into the desert. He was left as the only one to survive eventually, and to avoid perishing, offered his soul to Anubis in exchange for living. Anubis agreed, granted the Scorpion King his army of the Underworld (CGI Dog like creatures) and had him conquer some other city before taking his soul. The problem is, he will return every 5000 years and if he is not defeated, he and his army will conquer the earth. SO.................

We are now in 1933, and some geniuses have decided that they will find a way to defeat the Scorpion King and take control of the armies at his command. What you find out later is that one of the people commanding this particular excursion is in fact the reincarnation of Anuck-sun-amun, the girlfriend chick of Imotep the priest from the first movie. So she has an ulterior motive, see, because she gets her boyfriend back. Oh, right. So the way they plan on defeating The Rock is by also bringing back the one guy who is powerful enough to defeat him - I'm talking about the big man, Imotep. That way he and his chica can rule the world together. But the other guys digging him up don't know this yet. Follow?

OK. So, then we come to find out that this bracelet of Anubis is this big deal, because it will lead Imotep & Friends to the place where the Scorpion King is, but they have to get there in 7 days, or it will kill the wearer. Of course, the wearer is the kid Alex, because kids will be kids, and he wanted to play with it, so he put it on and saw this great vision of the first location to go to. Once you reach the first place you're shown, it shows you the next place to go to.

To try and sum it up, the kid gets kidnapped by Imotep & Co. to lead them there, and his mom and dad are busy trying to get him back. That dude from the first movie, I forget his name (he was the Gigalo in Duece Biaglow.....) is also around helping how he can. Did I forget anything? I think that's pretty much the PLOT.

It just got completely ridiculous. Oh! I forgot, we also find out that the reason that Evelyn has been having these dreams/visions is because she was actually Nefertiti in ancient Egypt, daughter of the Pharoah who married Anuck-sun-amun and then got killed by her and Imotep. Plus, Rick is actually one of the Magi, the same desert dudes as the gigalo fella. I'm not really sure why either was particularly important to know about, but it did allow for some hot female-female fight scenes. With sais, like Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles used.

Now, some of the things I noticed about the freaking holes in the movie. For starters, well, all the good guys should have been dead a few times, once when the zeppelin they were flying in was taken down by a tidal wave. I was annoyed at the idea that this reincarnation of Anuck-sun-amun was apparently only a reincarnation of body only......huh? The concept of reincarnation is the inhabiting of a new body by the SAME soul, not the same body with the knowledge of being a person in a past life. See, they wanted to raise her soul from the dead, but shouldn't it have already been there if she knew that she was the reincarnated form???

What else? The special effects weren't THAT special, but I suppose that Mummy Imotep was a little bit cooler looking than in the first one. The Scorpion King CGI was gay at the end, when he was this big monster deal with a bunch of pincers and his own fat tail, but the head and torso of The Rock.

The coolest part were the Pygmy skeletons that ran around with blowguns, killing off the guys helping Imotep & Co. Well, actually, everyone that got in their way and didn't have the Scepter of Osiris (which was not fully explained until the very end of the movie).

There were some really predicatable parts. For some reason, when Imotep & Friends came upon Rick & Friends, Anuck-sun-amun stabbed Evelyn in the stomach. Of course, she died, but even before she was a goner, I predicted exactly what happened. At the beginning of the movie, they made a point to say that the Book of the Dead gives life, while the Book of Life ends it, or something similar. So, as soon as she was dying, I said "OK, they will bring her back by reading from the Book of the Dead, because they said it gives life." And what happened? Exactly that. Letter perfect.

The movie was also lacking some of the campiness of the first one. In the first movie, sometimes there would be a buildup of suspense only to have nothing happen.....here, they built it up far too long, and they almost always ended it with an actual suspenseful moment. Every time you were supposed to jump, I didn't, because the preceding scene dragged on so long you knew exactly what would happen. It was stupid, and anti-climactic.

For me, it was a waste of $8.50, and I think it would even be waste of $4.50 for a matinee, even though I think Rachel Weisz (Evelyn) is completely adorable. Stupid movie, but those are the ones that make all the money these days.

END OF REVIEW
3 pity screws or Do me
Comments
lairans From: lairans Date: May 31st, 2001 10:50 am (UTC) (Link)

You are just mean!

Dont take movies like that so seriously. Really, that was just meant to be an entertaining film. It really wasnt meant to be a scholoarly attempt at recreating some sort of egyptian dynasty. It was mean to show people shit getting blown up, people getting killed, and hell, have some popcorn and a coke while you are at it! That all it was meant to be. If you went in it expecting to be intrigued and have your mind probed, you are fixing to have a horrible movie experience. I will say this. The movie didnt let the actors do enough "Acting." They made Brendan Frasier's already seemingly cliche roll, more cliche. He had a bunch of "one-liners" but nothing more, how boring! I must admit, my view of the movie might be somewhat swayed by the fact that I saw the latest possible movie (started at 10:55) and was dying of sleep deprivation by the time it was over. Ah well
slayergoddess From: slayergoddess Date: May 31st, 2001 11:29 am (UTC) (Link)
The movie was gay, I don't know.... just was silly. LOL.
cleanlikegod From: cleanlikegod Date: May 31st, 2001 09:45 pm (UTC) (Link)

You're wrong!

I haven't seen the movie, but I don't really want to because the first one was bad enough, but
I just wanted to say that you're wrong!
Anuck-sun-amun is the one who's completely adorable!!!! The only reason I'll even rent the VHS is because I want to see the chick fight scene between her and the Evelyn chick!

(I'm worse than most males, I'll admit it out front.)



Lots of Love
Jessicka
3 pity screws or Do me