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It's funny how one thing can set you off. I don't mean violently,… - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
It's funny how one thing can set you off. I don't mean violently, like I saw a grandma driving her car slowly and I suddenly started an impromptu demolition derby. No, this was more of the psychological side of things. I went to Safeway to grab a few things and behind me in line was this ridiculously beautiful girl and her boyfriend. I got so angry, and despair started to set in. When is it my turn? I can't even get the cute girl who cut my hair to go out with me (though for an admittedly decent reason), let alone someone like this girl in line. But wait, it's not just that. Everything is giving me cause to worry these days, and I'm starting to think that maybe the brand new world I envisioned opening up for me come graduation isn't really going to appear magically out of thin air. I started on the Abs Diet with no real goal in mind; perhaps that was a mistake. I don't know what I weighed when I started, but it's not primarily about losing weight. It's about losing fat, and I think that's happening....glacially. I'm losing motivation to keep going. What is the point? So far, the little voice in my head is winning, telling me that it's certainly an improvement and it will only get better if I keep it up. But the progress seems so slow, and I need to see something happening to be really motivated. And yes, I hoped that maybe shaping up would get me more attention. Maybe it has, and I don't know it. But I'm not any less desperately single and lonely than I was when I started, and it fucking blows. I lost my train of thought. These are the things I worry about:

*Work. I don't like my job and I'd like to leave it, but for some reason I'm not getting any interviews. I should up my efforts, to be sure, but I'm ahead of the curve in my qualifications and still nothing. Plus, do I continue looking only for tech jobs, or do I try and get something in my chose field of English? I am quite sure I'm not as employable, even with less than 3 months until graduation, and I wouldn't get paid as much, but at some point I have to shift my focus.
*School. It's not so bad now that I've gotten some of the work done I was behind on. I'm not going to graduate with a cumulative 3.0, and I don't know where that will leave me as far as graduate school in the future.
*Money. Self-explanatory really, but even with the raise I got with this job and being able to afford things, my debt isn't shrinking like I'd like it to, and again, I should be making more.
*Being alone. There's a whole lot more to that lately that I'm not getting into tonight, but it's frustrating me beyond belief. I thought of Drea tonight on the way home, and the first time she grabbed my hand and how awesome it was, and it made me really sad.

Pretty sure there was more when I started....maybe I'll add them later.
1 pity screw or Do me
Comments
pillar From: pillar Date: July 24th, 2006 06:29 am (UTC) (Link)
I honestly don't know what feels worse, to be in your shoes or mine.
1 pity screw or Do me