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since the cable connection i've had for 4 whole days is already being… - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
since the cable connection i've had for 4 whole days is already being lame, i decided to make an actual update - provided my connection is working well enough to even post.

we'll start with moving day, 2 saturdays ago. it was a simple plan, really. go to the bank in the morning to get the money order i needed to get my keys (apartment would only take money order/cashier check for first payment), come back and start loading. that was pretty much where things went to hell. when i got to the bank they told me their systems were down and they couldn't process money orders. well alright i'll just go somewhere else for one, say Raley's. Raley's can only process a maximum of $500 for one money order. well fine, i'll get 2 for the total amount. buying a money order is considered a withdrawal, and my bank limits daily withdrawals to $300. sweet, i can't buy a money order anywhere from my account! wait, what if i go back to the bank and withdraw the amount i need? i can just buy the money order with cash. oh, problem there. since the bank system is down they can't give withdrawals bigger than $300. fine, i'll use my credit card to buy it even though i really didn't want to. after visiting 3 different grocery stores, i came to the conclusion that everyone only takes....cash. so the only way to get a money order at this point is with cash, and cash is the one thing i can't get. by now it's 11am and i'm 2 hours late getting started. it was at this point that i had to ask grandma for a loan just so i could get my keys, as i had people waiting to help me move sitting on their asses until i said i'm ready. once i got the keys the rest was a breeze. we loaded up 4 cars with almost all my stuff and caravaned over here. only things left were my bed and desk which we used a pickup for. i actually felt bad for my moving crew since i think they spent more time waiting for me to call than actually helping me move. but no matter, mom helped me get stocked up on practical necessities (it's amazing how much shit you seem to need when living alone) and now i've been here for 10 days and it's great. so big i have to buy more stuff to fill it :p i'll see what i can do about some pictures, i wanna show off my pizad.

i have a new plan for school. i've given up on my little dream of going to sonoma state, it's impractical and a waste of time. i have to find out what i need to do to get back into sac state to finish up. am i a transfer? do i have to petition for re-entry since i got kicked out? i dunno. gotta get applied soon though so i don't waste even more time. i might even graduate by my 10 year high school reunion! what an accomplishment.

you see, i am the biggest waste of potential i have ever known. i have literally accomplished absolutely nothing since i graduated from high school, not a single noteworthy thing. i haven't written anything significant, i haven't had the great love of my life, i haven't completed anything i've started to my knowledge. it's quite depressing when you think about it, and unfortunately i do that too much. i'm quite possibly the oldest fucking file clerk in the history of the position, by a few years. nobody my age needs a full time job at $10/ hour unless they are a total failure. yes, my self-esteem hovers somewhere around minute and infinitesimal.

i have a new crush, the mail girl named Ashley. i've resolved not to sit on this, no matter the outcome because even when every attempt is one crushing disaster after another - well it still sucks and it's actually less painful NOT to try. but i have to, i suppose. just on the lottery-esque chance that i might get a date.

speaking of the lottery, i put $5 in the company pool. i imagine it will get over $100 mil this week so hey why not. is it sad that a lot of my daydreams revolve around winning the lottery? even split this many ways i'd be doing pretty good. see if i don't daydream i'd probably just shut down or something, since the fantasy future is WAY better than the realistic future i see these days. i told mom once that my motivation seems to come from short term successes and accomplishments. if it takes too long to do i don't want to do it. so until i am 2 weeks from getting a degree it's going to be a hell of a struggle.

with each new day i understand the world and its inhabitants less, i think. today was just full of pleasant stories in the paper. you had the suicide bombers in iraq who killed over 50 people, the drug company who raised the price on an AIDS drug 400% which most HIV researchers and specialists seem to believe is strictly to improve their market share on another drug, and the beating death of 2 women with a tree branch for an unknown motive on a city street in the bay area. why are people so horrible to one another? if it's not the mindless murder to advance a cause which will not be advanced, or the greed at the expense of people's health, or the random violence which nobody can seem to figure out the cause of, it's the everyday inconsideration toward anyone you meet. maybe everyone would just be happier if we all had our own little worlds where nobody else existed. yeah, that sounds like a great alternative.

does it really matter if you indentify character flaws if you don't believe you can or will change them? for instance, i am proud to a fault, which causes me to never ask for help even if it's obvious i need it. i recognize that about myself now, but i don't see it changing. i wonder why?

"Butterfly Effect" was very good, and I want to see "Mystic River". why don't i ever take the time to write my own stuff? i suppose it's that motivation thing - no ideas of mine are short-term enough to warrant starting.

what a waste.
1 pity screw or Do me
Comments
funnyz0r From: funnyz0r Date: February 4th, 2004 03:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Jezz Chris K, just pick a direction and go for it. If you're worried about the motivation I'll give it to you. Remember, we have to have a movie that was written by you and produced by me. : )
1 pity screw or Do me