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after playing our last softball game on wednesday (playoffs, one bad… - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
after playing our last softball game on wednesday (playoffs, one bad inning doomed us) i started self-analyzing again. there are lots of things i've noticed about myself as i've grown up but for one reason or another i usually never tried to reason it out too much. maybe its because at the time i wasn't overly worried about it, or maybe i just didn't care. anyway, one of the things i notice about myself is my tendency to be my own worst critic. i'm sure everyone says that. i hold myself to some unrealistically high expectations and then get mad at myself when i fail to meet them. i don't know why i do that. softball is my most recent example. i haven't played an organized sport in 10+ years. but for some reason i expect myself to field every ball perfectly, get a hit every time up at bat, and generally be an excellent player. even when i DID play baseball, i was never very good and those expectations weren't ever met. i got mad at myself even then but i got over it. i believe that at least part of this self-induced need to excel is due in part to my wanting to be accepted by the people around me. pretty much everyone else on my team has a more typical athletic background than i do, and i just want, if i can't fit in, to at least not let anyone down with my unathletic play. it only makes things worse when i feel that other people are upset with my mistakes, than when it's just me. and now i'm starting to ramble.

how do you decide what kind of job you want to do? is it like, hey this is something i really enjoy doing, i wonder if i could make a living at it? or more like, this general field holds some interest for me, i'm sure there's a job somewhere that will satisfy that interest to some degree? there's so many things that interest me, and so many things i enjoy doing...i don't know how i'm supposed to pick something.

i want to find out what was special about my second year of college that i did so well. i think i averaged a 3.45 over the 2 semesters that year, and everything after (first year was worse, but not rock bottom where i ended up) was just downhill. why was that year different? i lived in dorms, i didn't have a social life, i had a crappy job but i only worked 12 hours a week. i studied like a fiend, i remember that. but why? why was i so motivated? was it because i actually thought my intelligence was helping me socially? it's possible, in part. i had nothing better to do, sure, but it's the same now. and it wasn't easy classes! calculus, physics, programming...am i motivated only when i'm challenged? (hrm....interesting concept). i had to work at that stuff, for the most part. after that year i gave up on all math and science stuff, and most computer-related classes as well. yeah there were lots of changes between that year and the following one. i got a real job, i moved into an apartment, i switched majors. were any of those a catalyst? you don't know how frustrating it's been trying to figure out where i lost my way.

but anyway, i sorta decided that most of my "deep thinking find myself blah blah" stuff isn't going to occur here. it's not the place. i want to have that kind of discussion with a real live breathing person. the problem is, i don't know who that would be anymore. there's been people in the past....but i can never seem to hold onto one. no offense to my friends reading this, i guess i just don't feel lately like i have someone to really confide in. :\ (and to chris who i'm sure will read this, it's easier to open up to girls :( )

my life is wasting away. and i'm not doing anything to stop it.
2 pity screws or Do me
Comments
lairans From: lairans Date: November 9th, 2003 03:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
(and to chris who i'm sure will read this, it's easier to open up to girls :( )

I dig. I am just open with everyone, its just me. I gotta stop reading your lj, depressin me man :)
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 10th, 2003 05:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

sarahz0r

Hey chris k. It's sarahz0r...The one who thinks that the movie "Love Actually" is out to get all single people to make them kill themselves. :) Just saying hi.
2 pity screws or Do me