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i almost feel bad for whoever came up with this, because i'm not… - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
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i almost feel bad for whoever came up with this, because i'm not taking it seriously

14 Tough Questions for Heterosexuals

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

boobs.

2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?

cuz i get a stiffy from looking at hot chicks, not guys.

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of?

of course! its also possible that monkeys might fly out of my butt any moment, but i'm not going to place bets.

4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

i only fear others of the same sex because all men are stupid, and i'd hate to be lumped in with them. is that neurotic?

5. Do you parents know you are straight? Do your friends and/or room mates know?

not really, no. i've never brought a girl back to the apartment, or had one met my parents. they have no idea!

6. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

actually i think i've done a pretty good job of keeping it quiet. you'd be hard pressed to meet anyone who knew of my flaming heterosexuality.

7. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex?

i'd also like to know the answer to this question.

8. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle?

so others can know the wonders of boobs!

9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it wise to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

yes, otherwise they might only get the creationist point of view.

10. Just what do men and women do in bed together?

please refer to my answer to #7

11. Bearing in mind the current divorce rate, why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?

because only one partner can get PMS.

12. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

unfortunately, this makes not a lick of sense when translated. i'll try to answer, however. since heterosexuality perpetuates the species, and therefore perpetuates the stupidity ratio, overpopulation is not a menace thanks to social darwinism.

13. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy?

like not looking at boobs? i don't have that kind of will power.

14. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?

if by problems you mean, low self esteem, low self confidence, inability to form complete sentences around those of the opposite sex, then of course not.

this satirical response was brought to you by the number 11:59.
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