?

Log in

No account? Create an account
spilled brain matter accomplices history of the disturbed inside a demented mind My Website Previous Previous Next Next
(Trying not to sound like one huge cliche) I had a lot of this… - Speak Friend and Enter
Grammar and Lord of the Rings
suffocated
suffocated
(Trying not to sound like one huge cliche)

I had a lot of this organized in my head, and then I walked in the door and it kinda...flew out of my head. "It's a problem of motivation, alright?" I don't have any - or rather, I didn't use to. Grandma's passing has lit a spark under my ass (not a flame..or a fire, but a spark. I'm trying not to overestimate). I've decided that its time for me to grow up. I have to kick the bad habits I have now, and form new ones that are far more useful. No more parking in front of the monitor when I get home from work. This is why I have an mp3 player. I need to make myself go out and exercise several times a week, no specific regimen, just physical activity that involves more than moving my mouse around. After that, I need to be writing EVERY DAY. Even an hour, while I eat dinner or something. Fun stuff can come after, but I'm not trying to be a professional game player, I'm trying to be a professional writer. I practice far more on the former than the latter, and it needs to stop. A combination of things has been the cause of my new (but hopefully not brief) change of heart. I saw a picture of myself after I had graduated high school (posing with my new Eagle Scout badge). I can't believe how much weight I've gained since then. I actually looked thin in comparison. It was sobering, I must admit. Self-consciousness is an annoyance, not a plague. I need to rid myself of it, and the way to do that is to simply get in shape. There are things in my life that are causing me too much pointless worry, and they need to go. I want to be up front and sure-footed with people from now on. No more speculation. Reading some about the screenwriting business this weekend has me facing the fact that I'm way behind. I have to put some god damn EFFORT into my work if I ever want to accomplish anything. The creativity is there, the focus and determination is decidedly not. Where is my focus? I know it exists, because if shows up when mom is on the phone and I catch about half of what she says because I'm so intent on some game. I need to be able to harness it to my own ends.

*subject change*

Grandma's service was very nice. The pastor from her church did an excellent job. I found out they are burying her ashes on top of my grandpa. I did my crying...now I'm back to the detached feeling. Work tomorrow will be weird.

I think this place, like my last residence, has stifled me. I am not sure why, I suppose its in how I approach it from the beginning, and how I let that dictate how I live subsequently. Snowball effect 101, I imagine.

Once again, change is around the corner, for better or for worse. I'm hoping for the better, but I can prepare for the worst.
1 pity screw or Do me
Comments
lairans From: lairans Date: July 21st, 2003 09:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Takes alot of courage to kick one's ass into gear like that. Just let me know soon weather or not you are gonna take the room I have :( -- someone has to live in it or I have to take it dry. I promise you'll be able to get some writing done in between our 24/7 LAN party. :)!!!!
1 pity screw or Do me